The Onion get it right again
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding light on a promising way to provide relief from the chronic condition, a study published Monday by Harvard University found that medical marijuana was an effective treatment for long-term pain over Jerry Garcia’s death. “Our data clearly shows that cannabis is extremely beneficial for managing the persistent pain associated with the untimely passing of Grateful Dead frontman Jerry Garcia,” said lead researcher Dr. David Morton, noting that while the cannabinoid compounds present in marijuana can’t cure the aching discomfort caused by the loss of the musical genius, they do demonstrate an ability to considerably numb the pain of recalling the legendary lead guitarist’s tragic 1995 heart attack. “Left untreated, the pain of Jerry Garcia’s death can be debilitating. Many of our patients have been suffering for decades without a way to alleviate the affliction. Fortunately, we now know that medical marijuana can help these people live a more normal life that isn’t consumed by the agony of wondering what brain-melting licks Jerry could have improvised if he just had a little more time on this Earth.” Researchers also confirmed that medical marijuana could also help alleviate feelings of anxiety and fear over Phil Lesh’s eventual death.